Truth or Dare...

Have you ever downloaded a cheesy Truth or Dare on your smartphone or tablet? The game that once required nothing more than creativity and some teenagers looking for a thrill, doesn't even require creativity anymore.  Let the app give you questions to embarrass, or dares to challenge your inhibitions...

I'll admit it, I'm not far from a teenager's mindset (most guys aren't), so I downloaded an app, and one night we gave it a try.  Guess what - the truth section was really boring.  What might take some bravery for a teen to admit to peers, was common knowledge between us.  A game of truth isn't much of a game if you can answer each other's questions...

However, I know many marriages where there is a virtual treasure trove of unknowns in the relationship.  Unlocking the, "don't let my wife know's," the "if my husband found out's," the "I could never tell her that's," and the "he thinks he knows, but he doesn't really's," would be much more daring than making a prank call or putting your clothes on inside out.  But they need to come out if you have hope of getting to the garden.

If we are ever to have marriages where we are really knowing, understanding, and appreciating each other - you have to get things out in the open.  Probably not all at once, and if there is long standing pattern of omission care needs to be taken.  But to have a Biblical marriage, one where "they were naked and not ashamed" the game of "Truth" must be really boring.

But the dares don't have to be....

Do more than sleep in bed

We don't talk about it, but it happens just about every night.  While sleeping, we touch.  I realize this is a pretty profound statement, somewhat revolutionary, and nothing short of shocking - but as married adults we  make physical contact in bed...

Years ago, I don't remember the source, who found it, or much of anything else, but one of us found an article about a study which discoverd that couples who maintained physical contact throughout the night had better marriages.  It wasn't about sex, it was just about one point of contact between two people.

We both read the article, commented that it was interesting, and that was it.  However, ever since, without ever talking about it, throughout the night we have sought to make contact.  Sometimes it is shifting over six inches, sometimes it is a finger tip, other times it is a leg slid over until a toe touches the one we are married to - but as the result of reading a brief article we found something which changed our patterns.

I could write about how contact keeps closeness, clarifies feelings, encourages reconciliation, etc... but this really isn't about maintaining contact at night - it is about continually seeking and appropriately applying helpful marriage advice.

If you want a better marriage, keep your eyes and ears open for tips and tricks.  Read blogs (good job, you are on your way already:-), read articles, talk to friends, listen to what your spouse found in a book, take a class, go on a retreat....this is what people with improving marriages do.  At our church, when anything to strengthen marriages is offered, we can always expect to find some of the couples with the best marriages there - because they know you can always have a better marriage.

And you can have a better marriage - learn from every source you can...
           For example: http://www.laughyourway.com/better-marriage-minute/ 

Thanksgiving in the garden

It is time for Thanksgiving.  So, take a moment on the following assignment:

What are five things you are thankful for about your spouse?

 - STOP - Come up with a list of at least 5 things - 

Think about your list.  Is it made up of things they want to be thanked for, or what is important to you?  Nothing wrong if it is about you, it is your thankfulness we are talking about after all, but if you stretch your gratitude a bit further you have an opportunity to strengthen your marriage.

What am I talking about.  Well, I'm thankful for great sex and a fit wife.  While Jen knows I'm grateful, these are not her top priorities.  I'm also thankful that she makes the world a more beautiful place through her creativity, that she is there for friends in need, that she strives to be a great mom.  I don't express this gratitude enough.

This Thanksgiving, think about your differences as man and woman.  Have you expressed your gratitude for his hard work?  for his accomplishments?  for his faithfulness?  How about for her loving spirit? for her companionship?  for her encouragement?

When we look beyond the surface, we are different.  What we are thankful for is different, but also what we want to be thanked for is different as well.  What might gender appropriate thanksgiving look like in your relationship?  Fill each other up!

Thank God we are different!

Who are your friends - as you parent?

Marriage and parenting - 9 times out of 10 - go together like a horse and...

Actually, I don't know what percentage of married couples have kids*, but if you do, they have a major impact on your marriage.  Kids create higher levels of fulfillment, and corresponding higher levels of stress.  Whether toddlers, college students or adults - children bring joy, but not necessarily happiness.

How do we increase the fulfillment and joy from our kids?  (Not that having kids is all about us, but how do we maximize the experience for everyone involved?)  In August I thought about the desires we have for our kids -  Kids? (Aug15)  

So the next question is (following up on last week's entry) who are the parents of the type of kid(s) you are working toward?  I run into lots of teens who I would love to have my kids become like, and many more who are not my target at all.  There are plenty of kids in our middle class community who are considered "good kids" who are not my goal in parenting.

Obviously, there are absolutely no guarantees in parenting.  I have know enough families to know that every person is a unique individual, who will ultimately choose their own path.  There are personality traits within kids which are beyond the control of any parent - but every parent is in a position to shape and guide toward a great outcome.  No guarantees, but I'm also able to be involved with many different parents, many different kids, and see some families with much better outcomes.

The primary thing I see is this.  The families with kids on a trajectory I desire for my kids are doing things differently.  They don't do things because that is what everyone else is doing.  In fact, they do things which few others are doing.  They are not normal - because normal seem really good at creating distant, rebellious, peer driven and media shaped kids.

Look around as a couple, who is a step or two ahead of you, and are parenting kids you hope to work toward.  Befriend them, learn from them, watch them.  Even the best parents I know struggle.  There is no perfect kid, their frontal lobes aren't fully formed, they have a lot they are sorting out - but if you have people who are helpful in your parenting - helping you be better than normal - it will be a long term help to your marriage.  Better parenting builds better marriages (and better marriages enable better parenting)


I don't want a normal marriage, and I don't want normal kids!  I'm working for better, I hope you are as well.


*while looking for the percentage of people who end up having kids, I came across this site: www.familyfacts.org/briefs/marriage-and-family  - some interesting information.

Who are your friends?

Your friends matter!  Do you have friends who help strengthen your marriage, or who sabotage it?  By no means am I saying all your friends have to have great marriages - that's a bit unrealistic and means you aren't helping anyone - but are the key people in your life marriage builders?

In life, have you ever seen the social circle domino effect?  If in a group of friends some start moving toward marriage, it makes it easier for others to, and it starts to be come the norm.  Or having kids.  Or buying houses.  Or taking trips to Disney...

It is because of this simple truth:
In our life expectations;
our neighbors become our norm.  

It is not a conscious process, but the standard of living which surrounds us seeps into who we are and becomes what we measure ourselves against.  This isn't really good or bad, it is how life is as social beings.  However, if what we are surrounded by isn't working, we have to be careful not to get sucked in.

Much of our world works against a great marriage.  It works against accepting and affirming the positive differences between men and women - then taking this understanding to help build better marriages.  Instead, the norm is to tear down the other gender - belittling men, writing off romantic women - seeking the weakness instead of encouraging the strengths.  Find other people who love and value their spouse and their marriage!  

In your closest circles, let the norm be a little abnormal.  This is a great thing about church.  By gathering together with people who are seeking God, you are surrounded by a higher probability marriage lovers.  You can find within a healthy church men and women who are trying to push through the knowledge of our differences to healthy marriages based on a more complete knowledge.  A good norm to have!

Is it okay to be a Princess?

Not every little girl wants to be a princess, and not every little boy wants to use a weapon - but hey, the little girls I know love to believe they are a princess.  Must they make believe or can they be a princess in their little world?
What about when they grow up?
Is it okay for a woman to desire to be a princess?

Absolutely, and it certainly seems most still do.  Not is any bad way, but it a great way.  It is very natural for a woman to want to be cherished, to be admired as special, to be protected as a better class of person.  This isn't about damsel in distress princesshood or being thought of as nothing but a pretty face - but being fully and completely sought after.

There are people who might have a problem with this line of thinking.  Claiming it is sexist;  objectifying women, and breeding women who seek to be objectified.  Women should not want to be princesses in need of a prince, they say.  Strong and independent, not finding their worth or identity in what men think, this is the idealistic goal of some.  Well, I'm willing to let that argument be fought somewhere else.  I want to deal with everyday people trying to make real marriages better.  And the truth is, in a marriage we both need each other - in different ways.

Men - cherish your princess!  Women want to know they are beautiful in your eyes.  If men live this out, a better marriage is built.  It is a common theme among women I have worked with in marriages in the downward spiral of destruction - "I don't feel loved.  I am not appreciated.  He doesn't woo me...."

She is worth loving, appreciating and wooing - that's why you married her!

How do you see her as unbelievably beautiful?  Have eyes only for her.  If you fixate on your wife; avoiding the artificial perfection of modern media, mentally fleeing holding up other women as your desire, and for marriage sake escaping from any lure of pornography - God will grant you the gift of having the most beautiful wife in the world.  Know that you have a princess, look for the royalty within her, and actively cherish your wife.

The average American marriage is made up of a hero and a princess desiring to be recognized and prized for who they truly want to be.  Live into this, and you may just discover a bit more fairy tale in your life...

Almost as important as Sex

Mentioning sex in my last entry doubled readership, and given the popularity of sex, this isn't surprising, In marriage, however, there is something equally popular in our world which is more important than sex - money.

The Bible says "the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. And some people, craving money, have wandered from the true faith and pierced themselves with many sorrows." *

Money problems have pierced more marriages with many more sorrows than sex problems.  A sexless marriage (technically: intimacy less than 10 times a year) is a symptom - money problems are the root of all kinds of marital pain.  Love of money, mishandling of money, mis-communication about money, mixed motives, conflicting priorities, or dishonesty with money - are causal - they make the mess.

If you haven't gone through a money management course together, you should.  Whether it is a book, a DVD series, a course, or a counselor - what you can gain in moving toward a better marriage is significant.  For Jen and I it happened after 14 years of marriage through Financial Peace University.  

A few items which make marriage better:

• A common language about money
• You both get involved in money
• You control your money rather than money controlling you

Money is a mean master, always demanding more and thriving through the multiplication of insecurity.  If you put in the work to master your money - together - the impact will be life giving is so many ways.


PS.  The day to day tool we use in our household is YNAB.  This software actively helps you get on track financially and plan how you are going to use your money.  YNAB stands for You Need A Budget - how very true!

*1 Timothy 6:10 

Sex in the Coal Mine

 Trivia: Canaries were used as early warning system
for miners in Britain as recently at 1987

Sex is both robust and enduring, and incredibly fragile. Sorta like the good old canary in the coal mine.

The point of this posting is simple: Pay attention to sex!  It could save your marriage.

If the sex starts to die, figure out why.  There are physical reasons sex might be down for a season, but sex is a good early warning system for a marriage heading in the wrong direction.

Don't wait till the time since sex is measured in months or years.  Think of the miners working in a mine with elevated carbon dioxide.  The canary looks a little weak, the miner feels fine.  Even when the canary is dead, the miner may not be hampered in their work - but while they may feel okay, the damage is beginning.  A marriage which is a bit toxic can go on for a while, it may even feel okay, but the damage is happening.

Unless something changes in the mine or in the marriage, the toxicity will build, and ultimately - often a good while after the canary dies - there is death.  A death which might have been prevented if corrective actions were taken when the early warning signals were seen.

Depending on your age, years of marriage, and many other factors, how much sex is the right amount of sex can vary - but healthy sex is part of the typical healthy marriage.  The reality is; the best sex is had within marriage!  So if your sex life is changing - pay attention.

Sex ties into so many aspects of your relationship less sex could mean a dozen different things.  Maybe you are getting out of shape, maybe stress levels are high, maybe emotional needs are not being met, maybe you aren't taking the time, or the TV is on too much, or....

Let the canary die of old age, 
not a toxic environment and 
you are on the way to a better marriage.

Date Night

"We need a date night."  Sometimes I say it, sometimes Jen says it, sometimes neither of us realize the need soon enough - but in this phase of life, every so often we need a "date night."

But this wasn't always the case.  For many years of our marriage we did not need to plan out, or schedule date nights.  I would hear the advice to make sure they were part of our marriage, and politely nod and smile on the outside, and internally say, "whatever."

At that point in our life, every night was date night.  We didn't have as many things pulling us in different directions.  Now between work, kids, friends, and other commitments - we need to ensure we have focused time to stay connected and close.  (And we spend more time together than most couples our age)  So yes, at times date nights are important!

But more important is keeping tabs on your marital health.  Paying attention to your (and your spouses) marital tank.  And making moves to fill the tanks!  Date nights are a chance to make a deposit into your marriage - depending on the season of your life - they may be just the thing!

Do you need to schedule a marital infusion?

Just a corner of the bed...

I am a bed maker.
I was raised as a bed maker.
We are raising bed makers.
So is my wife - sorta...


The question of why I value the discipline of straightening the sheets and blankets every morning is best for another time. (I hinted at it HERE.)  Really, bed making isn't the point of this blog.  But it is a helpful illustration.

dramatic recreation of actual event...

Most days Jen is out of the bed before me, and I make the bed, even arranging the decorative pillows (why have pillows which aren't used? but I digress).  But there are times when Jen is the last one in the room, and she makes the bed.  And then there are times when I find something which I can't quite wrap my brain around.

As seen in this picture.  She makes her side of the bed, and leaves mine undone... huh???  What's a guy to think?  If I were to seek explanation of this phenomenon on Facebook, I'm sure our "friends" would come up with some great insights - most of them missing the mark by a mile.  But understanding why is only so helpful.

The question is, what do I do with it?  Honestly, my human nature wants to get petty about it.  "If she doesn't finish my side, when I do it, I shouldn't finish hers," I think to myself.  Or I won't take out the garbage, or just stop making the bed, or I'll - and the downward spiral of doom gets going - even if it is only in my head....

Better marriage advice - Don't Get Petty!  Take the high road.  Bring better into the relationship, not worse.  Seriously, do you want to know how long it takes to remedy this situation?  About 5 seconds!  In a few seconds I can flip the cover up, grad the superfluous pillows from next to the bed, and even arrange the two teddy bears.  Or in five seconds I can start a brew which will NEVER lead to be better marriage.

Yes, marriage is a give and take.  If it is all take and no give there are problems.  However, even the best spouse (which my wife is) isn't perfect.  We have to cover for each other, we have to extend grace.

What can you let go, accept, and cover to keep filling each other's marital tanks?

Hero

Women do heroic things  -  Men want to be a hero

Any time we start to look at gender differences (of which there are always exceptions) we tend to get a little edgy, but hold on, push through to the other side, and it can really help as you relate to the other sex.  

One of our differences is that men have something within them which wants to be a hero.  This hero desire may be beaten down, hidden, or mis-directed - but if you poke around a bit - it is there.  Make whatever you will of it, but you will find men, again and again, looking for a way to be heroic.

Women, if you are married to a man who knows he is your hero, you are married to someone who will die for you, who will give everything to you, who will go above and beyond to maintain the hero status.  Heroes make great husbands (if they are a hero to their spouse).

How can you make your man feel like the hero he wants to be?

1. Public Praise.  Think about how heroes are recognized.  It is almost always public (ceremonies, statues, medals, etc.)  Praise men in public, and see what happens.  Building them up doesn't lower you.  However, be bold and don't follow complements with some lame joking cut-down.  Just let the recognition stand.  Women who don't cut down their husbands in public have better husbands.  And better husbands make better marriages.
2. Small Victories Count.  We all make bad decisions, get in over our heads, and sometimes things don't go as planned.  Highlighting this side of life kills an important part of men, and they will go be a hero somewhere else.  Recognize what went right, where they pulled the pieces together and made the best of a bone headed move.  "I appreciate how you were thinking of me as you tried to fix the...." You don't need to point out that it never actually got fixed, or the cost, or the time... focus on win.  
3. Look for Hero Moments.  Us men are pretty simple, just like kids, catch us doing something right.  When you see your man acting in a sacrificial way, working to solve a problem, attacking a challenge - give that boy a star!

WARNING  - If men do not feel like a hero at home, they will likely find a place there they can be a hero.  This may be at work, in sports, or volunteering.  Unfortunately, it is also why men often end up in the arms of other women, or addicted to one of many escapes....  I'm not saying that men shouldn't be heros at work or on the field, but it should start at home.

Men - Be the most honorable hero you can be.
                  The dictator is not a hero.
                        The megalomaniac is not a hero.
                                The servant is the hero.

"There is no greater love than this, to lay down your life for your friend." 

Jesus (John 15:13)

PS to men.  Go back to "Pathetic" you may need to point out your heroics from time to time, but even if you don't get a medal, know that real heroes soldier on...

too long and too much - don't wait!

There are many things "normal" isn't getting right about marriage these days (obviously), but two stand out as "easy" fixes, and they start before marriage starts.

Unfortunately, what I'm about to share isn't directly helpful to existing marriages, but I want to share it all the same.  It could just be the thinking behind it might be helpful to all of us in the adventure of marriage...but for any of you who are thinking about marriage - consider this.

Most people are waiting too long to get married, 
                               and investing too much in the wedding.

The age for first marriages continues to rise, and from my view this is not good.  Now if you haven't found the right person, hey, please wait.  I've known some who have had to wait a very long time for the right person - and the reward for waiting in this case it great.  However, this isn't what I'm normally seeing as the delay.  

Delay one - I need to get my career up and going first.

Delay two - We need to get financially stable first.

Delay three - I'm scared of marriage and the commitment it represents.

Delay four - Why rush, we can get married later (like when houses and kids enter the conversation)

Delay five - Let's just ease into this

Delay six - I'm not sure this person is the right one

      Okay - I could make the list longer, 

              but 1 to 3 are the basics I've seen.

If you want a better marriage - get married sooner than later.  Waiting does many things, but it does not strengthen marriage.  A marriage that goes through setting up apartments, job searches, unemployment, figuring out patterns, etc...has a bond which is important.  You don't get your career going then marry, you marry and then build your careers together.  Maybe you won't get as high up the ladder, but a great marriage will bring more long term joy and satisfaction than any career. 

Marriages definitely need to get financially stable, but if you do it together, it will be mutual stability.  It will not be a merger of two financial systems, but one built (and rebuilt) from the ground up together.  

The more you go through together, the easier it is to really know each other.  And the more you know, the less you feel the need to hide.  Couples who have had their separate financial world are tempted to keep a fig leaf over this account or that.  To hide that purchase or that.  Yes, this happens in all types of marriages, but the sooner you get it all into one pot, the better.  

Build your life together, as soon as possible!  

Try this on for size....

   If you are over 20 years old, if you have dated over six months, you should either be talking about engagement, or calling it quits. If you don't know within a year, something is missing....  And if you are engaged, you should have a date within 14 months, or don't call it an engagement.  (wedding are easily planned in months)  

Which bring me to point to - if you can't afford to get married you need to reevaluate.  Everyone can afford to get married, marriage licenses are very inexpensive.  What you can't afford is an image of a wedding pushed by capitalistic businesses.  Invest more in you marriage than your wedding.  Trust me, a better marriage is more valuable than the best wedding reception!  The right person looks better by your side than a ring of any value!  

A great marriage can be built - start building young!

Kids?

Before marriage, just about every couple talks about kids.   How many kids they are interested in, and the timeline of when - or even how existing kids fit into the picture.   It is something which naturally comes up in the topic of, "should we get married."

So this isn't about that discussion.  It has come and gone, and then life happens with the inevitable surprises and adjustments.  But, most couples don't talk about something even more important as the journey picks up pace.  It is this, "What do you want for your kids?"

Have you thought about this?  Have you talked about this with your spouse?  Because working together you can shape this and find great marital satisfaction in this - or it can be a source of great tension....

This isn't simple like "how many" or "when."  It is richly complex.  It is a conversation which must continue throughout every phase.  Toddlers, teens or marrying adults - what do you want for your kids?  When you talk about this together, when you scheme on this together, when you pray on this together - you will have a better marriage.

And the more you talk about it - the more you can trust each other in your parenting.  You won't need fig leaves to hide your darker parenting moments from the other.  If you know you are heading in the same direction with your kids, you can once again give them the benefit of the doubt - making the assumption you are married to a good person (not an ax murderer).

Fun at Camp Fowler!

This week Jen and I are leading the teaching for over 100 middle schoolers at a week long session at Camp Fowler.  It is a fascinating time of getting to know a pile of kids.  Kids who come from homes where they want them to be "good kids."  But how many of them have parents who want even more from them?  How many have parents striving together to provide better for their kids than the mediocre suburban upbringing.   I have no idea.  Making the decision to send them to a Christian camp for a week means they are doing something different than the norm....


What do you want for your kids?

Here is some of what do we want:

• Spiritually vibrant children who understand how they can have a relationship with God.
• Globally aware children who understand there is more in this world than white suburbia.
• Children who are creative in using their unique personality and abilities in this world.
• Kids who respect their parents, and want to always maintain a healthy open relationship with them.

The list goes on for us - and I'm sure we will have varying degrees of success and failure along the way - but it brings us together on the journey....

Pathetic

Sometimes in our marriage, I'm downright pathetic.  I'm not guilty of it all the time, but it does happen.  It often plays out in the kitchen...

"Did you notice how clean the counters are?"  

There is really only one reason to ask a question like that.  If Jen had cleaned the counters, she would have already noticed.  If on the other hand, I had taken the time to do a deep cleaning of the kitchen counters, the type where everything is moved off and the crumbs from days gone by are removed from behind the Kitchenaid.  The question is clearly fishing for a complement.  It is a question saying, "notice what I did."

Yes, I am that pathetic - there are times when I tell my wife what I think I should be praised for.  There are times I say, "please give me a pat on the back."  Whether it is something extra I've done around the house, something I didn't do (i.e., not going for sex at 3 in the morning), or an accomplishment at work for which I will never get public credit - there are times when I want the praise of my wife - so I ask for it.

It should be reward enough to know I've done the right thing, but sometime it isn't.  I have a deep longing to be acknowledged.  However, I will only be frustrated if I sit around and wait for that acknowledgement.  Often what I want noticed is so unremarkable. . . Often life is moving so fast even the remarkable may slip by without note. . . Often that is okay - but when I need the pat of my ego from my wife, sometimes I have to ask for it.

Men and women are so different we need to help each other know the needs.
More on this later, but men need their egos reinforced.  Women are so much stronger in this area - so it can seem silly to praise their man for the obvious, for the mundane, for the task which the wife does regularly without a second thought.  So the marital tanks are filled that much better if we swallow our pride and say, "this is what I need."

"Can we talk for a bit?" "Do you think I look pretty?"  "I really need some time alone."  "Can you come home early today?" or even "Did you notice the clean counters?"  are all ways to help your spouse be better. To help them know how to fill your marital tank - to help each other have a better marriage.

Yes, on one level asking for what you need to have your tank filled can feel wrong - your spouse "should" know what it is and do it without a word.  Sometimes the item can be so small it feels a bit pathetic to even bring it up.  But that's okay, do it anyway.  And please, if the one you care about is willing to share a need, respond.

Jen gives me a literal pat on the back, a "good job" with only the slightest touch of mutually acknowledged sarcasm.  The cost to her is nothing, and I'm good to go - on to bigger and better things - maybe even cleaning the toilets....

BFF - the Best Friends Forever excuse

There are "those" couples.  You know the ones, the BFF couples - "we're best friends."  I might as well confess up front, I'm in a BFF marriage.  Jen and I have many overlapping interests, we can't get enough time together, we talk about almost everything.  We are best friends, we are husband and wife, and it is a great combo.  But it isn't for everyone.  And it isn't "the way" to have a better marriage.  Just because two people aren't "best friends" is no excuse not to have a great marriage.It would be unfair, if the only way to have a stellar marriage is by finding and marrying your BFF.  (although many things in life aren't fair, this isn't one of them)

It would be unfair because:

• If you are married, the decision is made.  You you aren't with your BFF, you don't have the option of switching.  (or at least not without leaving an ugly trail of divorce destruction)

• Men and women are so different, most don't immediately find the BFF bond with the opposite sex.

• Often the BFF slot is filled before marriage is on the horizon.

And let me say, I have seen BFF marriages go really bad.  Marrying your "best friend" is a great place to start, but it does not guarantee a naked marriage.  Every marriage needs the work of realizing you are different, figuring out those differences, and giving your partner what they need at the deepest levels.  Even best friends can pull out the fig leaves, try and cover up and hide things.  Even more so when it is a man and a woman trying to bring their differences together.

What you need to do is be BSF - that would be Best Spouses Forever.  Strive hard to be the best husband for your wife, or the best wife for your husband.  When this is the focus, similar interests or not, the two can become one and life can be good!

Drift

It once was part of something bigger.... but now it is drifting out to sea, slowing melting away.   This analogy is going to fall apart about as quickly as a glacier in the tropics - but go with it for a second, and then we can head back to dry land.  

If an iceberg is not an iceberg, but part of the polar ice cap, life it good.  It it part of something bigger than itself, and while there may be a bit of erosion around the edges from time to time, overall it can weather any storm.

Once a chuck breaks off, it's destiny is changed.  It is only a matter of time before it melts away.  It cannot sustain itself.  As it floats into open waters, it is doomed.

In marriage, the flip side of wanting what is best for the other, of striving to fill their marital tank - is watching out for drift.  I have no statistics, but I guarantee you that drift kills more marriages than cheating.  Drift kills more marriages than a sudden crisis.  Drift kills.  Little by little a couple isn't as close as they once were.  The jobs are demanding, the schedules get full, family has their expectations - and a few years down the road "I don't love you," "I don't know you," or "I want more," is spoken.

It starts here, and can stay here, but drift kills

The iceberg image speaks strongly to the feeling of isolation once the drift has begun - but it doesn't really work because we cause drift by the decisions we make.  While it is easy to claim "it just happened..." It happens because of what we do.  But the good news is; we have control.  Once a berg is free it is at the mercy of the currents.  Each of us on the other hand can note the drift in our relationship, and push back together.  A slight drift apart can easily be compensated for (date night, romantic weekend, taking a walk together), but even a drift which has been unattended to for a long time isn't beyond hope.  There is power to bring the two back together as one.  The currents of our culture often drive couples apart, but if we keep an eye out for drift, we have the power to overcome these currents - to be united.

Where do you see drift in your relationship?  How can you come back together?


PS.  Sometimes drift has gone so far that it would take a miracle to bring the two back together.  The great news is that God still works miracles.  Never be afraid to pray for what seems impossible.

Getting Started

A year ago I was able to take a 3 month break from life.  Or at least life as it normally happens.  During that time I was able to meet with people, travel, build - but most of all think.  One of my ideas is what you are looking at: a blog sharing ideas to make marriage better.

I'm a big fan of marriage.  Everyone who is called to marriage (and not everyone is) should have a great one.  The second most important question in life is who you marry.  But once that decision has been made, then you have to learn to live with it.  And why not make the most of it?  Why not be able to unabashedly say, "My wife rocks!"  Or "I think my husband is the best!"  Because not much beats an awesome marriage!

There are ways to make every marriage better.  You may not have much hope, or you may think things are pretty good - but better days can be ahead.  My hope is to weekly share ideas which might just help you or someone you care about move a marriage in the "better" direction.

It seems a little silly doing this at all.  There are "experts" out there.  There are books upon books, and sites upon sites.  But then again, there is crappy marriage after crappy marriage.  One more bit of help can't hurt.  So here it is, a year after conception - the launch of "Before Fig Leaves."

Check out the pages to the right to learn more about this blog.

I pray you find something useful from time to time....

did you marry an ax murderer?

What do you think about the person you married?  What did you think about the person you married?
Pretty much everyone who marries, thinks they have someone good - someone with a good heart and good intentions.  And probably they did.  Over time, some people come to think that they married an ax murder.

Speaking of which:

If you never saw the movie, sorry, but hey - [spoiler alert] she wasn't an ax murder.

Did you marry an ax murder?  If yes, seek help from law enforcement.  You made a huge mistake.

If no, keep going back to your wedding day.  Go back in your mind to the person you initially fell in love with.  That person is still there. In a marriage where each person is working to fill the other's marital tank, the relationship keeps getting better.  In time you find you are married to someone who seems even better than when you started.  However, if the tanks are being drained, now you are sure he is a rock wall, she is a nag, that he doesn't care, or that she will never be happy.

Whether things are good for you, or a challenge right now, ask your self - did I marry an overall decent person?  Look at how they treat other people.  How do they relate to strangers, to co-workers, to their mother?  If they are always in jerk mode, then yes, maybe there are some deeper issues going on.  However, if they know how to relate civilly, if they can be kind, you probably did marry a decent person.  Your work as a spouse is to continually draw that out, encourage it, help them be the best person they can in every circumstance.  (this is tricky, we need to do it in the right way (hint: nagging doesn't work))

Right now may be the best point in your marriage ever - hold on to it, remember it, and enjoy it.
Right now may be a bit rocky - can you remember a better time?  The same people are still available, there is some work to do, but better days can come again!

This is a foundational idea to getting rid of the fig leaves.  We need to get rid of the judgment, and return to trusting that there is good in the other.  Assume the best motives (unless you married and ax murder).