Pathetic

Sometimes in our marriage, I'm downright pathetic.  I'm not guilty of it all the time, but it does happen.  It often plays out in the kitchen...

"Did you notice how clean the counters are?"  

There is really only one reason to ask a question like that.  If Jen had cleaned the counters, she would have already noticed.  If on the other hand, I had taken the time to do a deep cleaning of the kitchen counters, the type where everything is moved off and the crumbs from days gone by are removed from behind the Kitchenaid.  The question is clearly fishing for a complement.  It is a question saying, "notice what I did."

Yes, I am that pathetic - there are times when I tell my wife what I think I should be praised for.  There are times I say, "please give me a pat on the back."  Whether it is something extra I've done around the house, something I didn't do (i.e., not going for sex at 3 in the morning), or an accomplishment at work for which I will never get public credit - there are times when I want the praise of my wife - so I ask for it.

It should be reward enough to know I've done the right thing, but sometime it isn't.  I have a deep longing to be acknowledged.  However, I will only be frustrated if I sit around and wait for that acknowledgement.  Often what I want noticed is so unremarkable. . . Often life is moving so fast even the remarkable may slip by without note. . . Often that is okay - but when I need the pat of my ego from my wife, sometimes I have to ask for it.

Men and women are so different we need to help each other know the needs.
More on this later, but men need their egos reinforced.  Women are so much stronger in this area - so it can seem silly to praise their man for the obvious, for the mundane, for the task which the wife does regularly without a second thought.  So the marital tanks are filled that much better if we swallow our pride and say, "this is what I need."

"Can we talk for a bit?" "Do you think I look pretty?"  "I really need some time alone."  "Can you come home early today?" or even "Did you notice the clean counters?"  are all ways to help your spouse be better. To help them know how to fill your marital tank - to help each other have a better marriage.

Yes, on one level asking for what you need to have your tank filled can feel wrong - your spouse "should" know what it is and do it without a word.  Sometimes the item can be so small it feels a bit pathetic to even bring it up.  But that's okay, do it anyway.  And please, if the one you care about is willing to share a need, respond.

Jen gives me a literal pat on the back, a "good job" with only the slightest touch of mutually acknowledged sarcasm.  The cost to her is nothing, and I'm good to go - on to bigger and better things - maybe even cleaning the toilets....