Hero

Women do heroic things  -  Men want to be a hero

Any time we start to look at gender differences (of which there are always exceptions) we tend to get a little edgy, but hold on, push through to the other side, and it can really help as you relate to the other sex.  

One of our differences is that men have something within them which wants to be a hero.  This hero desire may be beaten down, hidden, or mis-directed - but if you poke around a bit - it is there.  Make whatever you will of it, but you will find men, again and again, looking for a way to be heroic.

Women, if you are married to a man who knows he is your hero, you are married to someone who will die for you, who will give everything to you, who will go above and beyond to maintain the hero status.  Heroes make great husbands (if they are a hero to their spouse).

How can you make your man feel like the hero he wants to be?

1. Public Praise.  Think about how heroes are recognized.  It is almost always public (ceremonies, statues, medals, etc.)  Praise men in public, and see what happens.  Building them up doesn't lower you.  However, be bold and don't follow complements with some lame joking cut-down.  Just let the recognition stand.  Women who don't cut down their husbands in public have better husbands.  And better husbands make better marriages.
2. Small Victories Count.  We all make bad decisions, get in over our heads, and sometimes things don't go as planned.  Highlighting this side of life kills an important part of men, and they will go be a hero somewhere else.  Recognize what went right, where they pulled the pieces together and made the best of a bone headed move.  "I appreciate how you were thinking of me as you tried to fix the...." You don't need to point out that it never actually got fixed, or the cost, or the time... focus on win.  
3. Look for Hero Moments.  Us men are pretty simple, just like kids, catch us doing something right.  When you see your man acting in a sacrificial way, working to solve a problem, attacking a challenge - give that boy a star!

WARNING  - If men do not feel like a hero at home, they will likely find a place there they can be a hero.  This may be at work, in sports, or volunteering.  Unfortunately, it is also why men often end up in the arms of other women, or addicted to one of many escapes....  I'm not saying that men shouldn't be heros at work or on the field, but it should start at home.

Men - Be the most honorable hero you can be.
                  The dictator is not a hero.
                        The megalomaniac is not a hero.
                                The servant is the hero.

"There is no greater love than this, to lay down your life for your friend." 

Jesus (John 15:13)

PS to men.  Go back to "Pathetic" you may need to point out your heroics from time to time, but even if you don't get a medal, know that real heroes soldier on...

too long and too much - don't wait!

There are many things "normal" isn't getting right about marriage these days (obviously), but two stand out as "easy" fixes, and they start before marriage starts.

Unfortunately, what I'm about to share isn't directly helpful to existing marriages, but I want to share it all the same.  It could just be the thinking behind it might be helpful to all of us in the adventure of marriage...but for any of you who are thinking about marriage - consider this.

Most people are waiting too long to get married, 
                               and investing too much in the wedding.

The age for first marriages continues to rise, and from my view this is not good.  Now if you haven't found the right person, hey, please wait.  I've known some who have had to wait a very long time for the right person - and the reward for waiting in this case it great.  However, this isn't what I'm normally seeing as the delay.  

Delay one - I need to get my career up and going first.

Delay two - We need to get financially stable first.

Delay three - I'm scared of marriage and the commitment it represents.

Delay four - Why rush, we can get married later (like when houses and kids enter the conversation)

Delay five - Let's just ease into this

Delay six - I'm not sure this person is the right one

      Okay - I could make the list longer, 

              but 1 to 3 are the basics I've seen.

If you want a better marriage - get married sooner than later.  Waiting does many things, but it does not strengthen marriage.  A marriage that goes through setting up apartments, job searches, unemployment, figuring out patterns, etc...has a bond which is important.  You don't get your career going then marry, you marry and then build your careers together.  Maybe you won't get as high up the ladder, but a great marriage will bring more long term joy and satisfaction than any career. 

Marriages definitely need to get financially stable, but if you do it together, it will be mutual stability.  It will not be a merger of two financial systems, but one built (and rebuilt) from the ground up together.  

The more you go through together, the easier it is to really know each other.  And the more you know, the less you feel the need to hide.  Couples who have had their separate financial world are tempted to keep a fig leaf over this account or that.  To hide that purchase or that.  Yes, this happens in all types of marriages, but the sooner you get it all into one pot, the better.  

Build your life together, as soon as possible!  

Try this on for size....

   If you are over 20 years old, if you have dated over six months, you should either be talking about engagement, or calling it quits. If you don't know within a year, something is missing....  And if you are engaged, you should have a date within 14 months, or don't call it an engagement.  (wedding are easily planned in months)  

Which bring me to point to - if you can't afford to get married you need to reevaluate.  Everyone can afford to get married, marriage licenses are very inexpensive.  What you can't afford is an image of a wedding pushed by capitalistic businesses.  Invest more in you marriage than your wedding.  Trust me, a better marriage is more valuable than the best wedding reception!  The right person looks better by your side than a ring of any value!  

A great marriage can be built - start building young!

Kids?

Before marriage, just about every couple talks about kids.   How many kids they are interested in, and the timeline of when - or even how existing kids fit into the picture.   It is something which naturally comes up in the topic of, "should we get married."

So this isn't about that discussion.  It has come and gone, and then life happens with the inevitable surprises and adjustments.  But, most couples don't talk about something even more important as the journey picks up pace.  It is this, "What do you want for your kids?"

Have you thought about this?  Have you talked about this with your spouse?  Because working together you can shape this and find great marital satisfaction in this - or it can be a source of great tension....

This isn't simple like "how many" or "when."  It is richly complex.  It is a conversation which must continue throughout every phase.  Toddlers, teens or marrying adults - what do you want for your kids?  When you talk about this together, when you scheme on this together, when you pray on this together - you will have a better marriage.

And the more you talk about it - the more you can trust each other in your parenting.  You won't need fig leaves to hide your darker parenting moments from the other.  If you know you are heading in the same direction with your kids, you can once again give them the benefit of the doubt - making the assumption you are married to a good person (not an ax murderer).

Fun at Camp Fowler!

This week Jen and I are leading the teaching for over 100 middle schoolers at a week long session at Camp Fowler.  It is a fascinating time of getting to know a pile of kids.  Kids who come from homes where they want them to be "good kids."  But how many of them have parents who want even more from them?  How many have parents striving together to provide better for their kids than the mediocre suburban upbringing.   I have no idea.  Making the decision to send them to a Christian camp for a week means they are doing something different than the norm....


What do you want for your kids?

Here is some of what do we want:

• Spiritually vibrant children who understand how they can have a relationship with God.
• Globally aware children who understand there is more in this world than white suburbia.
• Children who are creative in using their unique personality and abilities in this world.
• Kids who respect their parents, and want to always maintain a healthy open relationship with them.

The list goes on for us - and I'm sure we will have varying degrees of success and failure along the way - but it brings us together on the journey....

Pathetic

Sometimes in our marriage, I'm downright pathetic.  I'm not guilty of it all the time, but it does happen.  It often plays out in the kitchen...

"Did you notice how clean the counters are?"  

There is really only one reason to ask a question like that.  If Jen had cleaned the counters, she would have already noticed.  If on the other hand, I had taken the time to do a deep cleaning of the kitchen counters, the type where everything is moved off and the crumbs from days gone by are removed from behind the Kitchenaid.  The question is clearly fishing for a complement.  It is a question saying, "notice what I did."

Yes, I am that pathetic - there are times when I tell my wife what I think I should be praised for.  There are times I say, "please give me a pat on the back."  Whether it is something extra I've done around the house, something I didn't do (i.e., not going for sex at 3 in the morning), or an accomplishment at work for which I will never get public credit - there are times when I want the praise of my wife - so I ask for it.

It should be reward enough to know I've done the right thing, but sometime it isn't.  I have a deep longing to be acknowledged.  However, I will only be frustrated if I sit around and wait for that acknowledgement.  Often what I want noticed is so unremarkable. . . Often life is moving so fast even the remarkable may slip by without note. . . Often that is okay - but when I need the pat of my ego from my wife, sometimes I have to ask for it.

Men and women are so different we need to help each other know the needs.
More on this later, but men need their egos reinforced.  Women are so much stronger in this area - so it can seem silly to praise their man for the obvious, for the mundane, for the task which the wife does regularly without a second thought.  So the marital tanks are filled that much better if we swallow our pride and say, "this is what I need."

"Can we talk for a bit?" "Do you think I look pretty?"  "I really need some time alone."  "Can you come home early today?" or even "Did you notice the clean counters?"  are all ways to help your spouse be better. To help them know how to fill your marital tank - to help each other have a better marriage.

Yes, on one level asking for what you need to have your tank filled can feel wrong - your spouse "should" know what it is and do it without a word.  Sometimes the item can be so small it feels a bit pathetic to even bring it up.  But that's okay, do it anyway.  And please, if the one you care about is willing to share a need, respond.

Jen gives me a literal pat on the back, a "good job" with only the slightest touch of mutually acknowledged sarcasm.  The cost to her is nothing, and I'm good to go - on to bigger and better things - maybe even cleaning the toilets....