Guy's Night Out

I don't do "guy's nights."  Some guys really need them; go out and shoot hoops, play cards, or just hang out with the guys - it hasn't been my thing in marriage.

I bring this up as a reminder to figure out what works for you and your marriage.  I do need time away at points, I know this, Jen knows this, so I make it happen and she is fine with it.  In a similar manner, Jen is the one in our relationship to let us know when we need a date night.

Many things in a better marriage are not defined by a universal "best."  Who should handle the finances, who should do which chores, how often do you need to get away, etc... It depends - but it is dependent on both of you.  It is not only about knowing when you need some girl/guy time, it is about understanding the needs of your spouse (and supporting them).

That said, tonight is pizza night-movie night.  A 17 year tradition in our marriage - it is what works for us on Friday nights!

Sexist

I was watching someone teach on money recently, and boy was he sexist!  He had the nerve to say that men and women spend money differently.  It is sometimes shocking to the system when (outside of comedy) people talk about how different men and women are.

This guy had the nerve to go on and on about how women will nickle and dime themselves and everyone around them into financial ruin.  But then he quickly turned the tables - us guys do it all at once.  Men tend to just go big and be done with it.  Car, boat, house or pricey vacation - men will just create the financial problem in one fell swoop.

It is the true all the time? Absolutely not.  Can most men and women related to this and nod in general agreement?  I think so.  It is not like the ruin is better or worse based on the means to get there - it is still ruin.  But recognizing our tenancies helps address the problem.  [Actually, this week I just about pulled off one of those classic guy moves in our finances but pulled back just in time.  No, Jen and I won't be taking a vacation we can't afford next month...]

We need a bit more sexism.  Not sexism which says a certain gender can't or shouldn't - but one which says they generally don't or won't.  A sexism not to keep men and women apart, but one which realizes how different we are, and through this brings us together in mutual understanding.  How can you be a better sexist?

First, lets not be too afraid of stereotypes.  This is dangerous ground to head onto, but stereotypes exist for a reason - because they are useful.  There is no way we can figure out everything and everyone from a blank slate every time.  We must rely on patterns, and we need to build on prior knowledge.  We start with stereotypes - a general framework - and then see how the individual varies.  Maybe they don't fit at all and the whole stereotype has to be thrown out - but most men fit one mold, most women fit another.

For the record - I not only have the tendency to go all out financially, I also do a good job at nickle and diming... that's why I need a budget!

Clackers...

Apparently I'm too young to know about clackers.  A seventies fad which didn't have the staying power of some of the fashion statements (or pet rocks).

Two balls on a string - tons of playground fun.  Fun until the glass marbles smash - then you'll clacker your eye out!  Oh, and they're not far removed from a martial arts weapon...

What do clackers have to do with a better marriage?

The balls are constantly drawn to each other - as long as the central point of connection is lifted up.  The balls have no choice, the laws of physics are at work.  Even if they are knocking against each other, time and time again they return together.  And if some kid isn't jerking them up and down, they will come to rest, together.

Marriage analogy?  If both husband and wife are firmly connected to something bigger than themselves, something which lifts them up, it naturally draws them closer.  This "something bigger" could be a love of nature, their children, or curling - but the best "something bigger" is something way bigger.  When that focal point is God, when your primary connection is to God, and the same is true for your spouse, something profound happens.  As long as you are connected to God, and seeking God in your lives - you will be drawn together.

But this has to be active.  Picture a clacker on a table.  There are still two balls and a central point, but if that point is not held up, they balls can be anywhere - drifting aimlessly.  Do you have to be a Christian to be close?  Not at all, maybe you live in a community which naturally keeps you two close together.  And as I said, there can be many things which you are connected to, and lift you up - but nothing is as faithful and steadfast as the Eternal.  Interests change, children grow up, cultural trends and ideals shift - but as the Bible says, Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever.

So maybe life is crazy.  Maybe for a period of time you are being thrown up and down, crashing into each other - but as this video shows, they always come back to each other, and eventually can find rest together.



Hey - what if my spouse doesn't have the same connection to God?  Then you need to hang onto God all the tighter.  The beauty of this is that unlike being bound by a love of NASCAR, the love of God not only provides a lasting point of connection, it also has the power to transforms each of us into someone who can more faithfully love as God desires.  A committed, lasting love which moves even bad marriage in the direction of better.

Share your spiritual life together, go to church together, join a Bible study... work to help each other grow spiritually, to keep your focus on God, to be firmly rooted in faith - lift up a central point of connection.  Then just as the laws of physics take over - you will find power at work in your marriage which can handle anything.

Can it be balanced?

I was planning to follow up my last blog, with these thoughts in something more like a week not a month...
After two entries about weight and fitness, the questions arises; What about the other side?  What about being accepted for who I am?  What about seeing the deep lasting beauty of your spouse?

Proverbs 31:30:

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;
but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised."

I realize this moving image is a bit annoying/distracting,
but I couldn't help myself... the love pec pop - women dig it!

Here is the reality, no matter how much I work out, I will never have the pecs of Dwayne Johnson (The Rock), nor the face of Brad Pitt, nor the suavity Johnny Depp, nor the....  it just ain't gonna happen.

And as stunning as the exterior of my wife is, she will never have the body of an airbrushed VS model.

Why can't we just be loved for who we are?  Why can't a lasting beauty which is more than skin deep be what is appreciated?

The reality is, this is what is most important.  The greatest gift we can give our spouse is acceptance!  That's the idea of being naked in the garden - it is that we are fully exposed before each other, and not ashamed.  We know we are known, but despite of of the fact that they know the "imperfections," we know we are loved.  Loved in a committed, no-matter-what kind of way.

I often focus on the differences between men and women, and what we are looking for to fill our marital tanks - but both men and women long for acceptance.  When we offer this "no matter what you're awesome" acceptance, we are giving them something profound.

Maintaining Balance

If it was easy, everyone would be doing it!  This is definitely something I am still working on.  How do you balance accepting your spouse and sharing what your spouse can do to fill your marital tank?

Whether I am a romantic or not, whether I bring home flowers or not, if I happen to be an insensitive lump - I really appreciate the gift of being loved as the man that I am.  However, I need to know my wife wants romance, flowers, and sensitivity.
Do you feel the tension?  If she says I'm not romantic enough - does this mean she doesn't accept me for who I am?

I need to know both: 
           - I'm accepted
           - How to be better at meeting her needs as a woman

Acceptance of the good and the bad - this is found in the biblical love of commitment to the best for the other - it should be the foundation of marriage.  In this lasting love we can find the foundation upon which we can share what will make us a bit more blissful in our marriage.

fat but happy

This week a study came out which sheds some interesting light on my last posting. The gist is that people who are happy in marriage gain more weight than those who are unhappily married.  Apparently everyone already knows that:

marriage = weight gain 

and 

divorce = weight loss.  

(How sad is that?), but now  research has shown the following,

"Satisfaction is positively associated with weight gain," Meltzer said. "Spouses who are more satisfied tend to gain more weight, and spouses who are less satisfied tend to gain less weight."        HealthDay

The theory lifted up is the "mating market."  We stay fit to attract a partner, and if divorce is a possibility, you need to stay in market ready condition.  Hey, I got no problem with that theory, much of the fitness industry is about staying attractive.   So it follows, if the primary reason you were slim and trim was to get in the door, once you are in and the deal is sealed, that motivation is done.

You have pledged to each other, "for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, if you are a stud or a couch potato, I'm yours and you are mine."  In a happy marriage, there is security in those vows, you will love each other regardless of physical appearance or level of health - and that is how it should be.

HOWEVER - what does it mean to love and to cherish until death do us part?  Love is active, and a big part is meeting the needs (and often the desires) of the one you love.  And the general theory that I hold to is that men and women want different things, and in a great marriage, we work to figure out what the other spouse wants and fill their marital reservoir.  We show our love in a way that is meaningful to them.  We work on it.

The motivation of fitness changes:
It goes from getting what you want,
to giving them what they want.

Maybe they want someone with type II diabetes?  Maybe they want someone who's joints wear out prematurely, who has heart disease, who doesn't have the energy to have active fun, who has to limit their activity because they simply don't fit?  Now if these things cannot be avoided, that is where the "in sickness and in health" comes in, a true commitment to love sees past all these things.  But in a great marriage, being the best you possible should be a gift to your spouse.

Health is reason enough - but for visually oriented guys (most of us), a fit wife is a great expression of love.  And guys, if you want to help your wife stay trim (which she probably desires for herself), maintaining your fitness helps her.  And a strong man is a desirable thing to most women.

What's your motivation for fitness?  Is it an act of love?

Do you exercise for a better, long lasting, marriage?