The heart of the matter

Good people get divorced.  

People who once had a happy
marriage get divorced. 

People who work hard at staying
together get divorced.  

Why?

There are many reasons; some are silly, some are stupid, most can be avoided, almost all can be dealt with -  but one I have stared at straight in the face as I walk with people through the storms of marriages gone bad is found very deep.  It isn't a deal breaker, but it goes beyond learning great communication skills, or developing effective coping skills,  even seeing a counselor so often you know where they keep the extra box of tissues might not be able to get there.

What is buried down there, out of sight and under layers of typically marriage problem crap?  Self

A fundamental selfishness can sabotage even the most relationally capable people.  Some people are so relationally gifted that they can keep things rolling for years, and when the wheels start coming off - it is nothing that a conference or book or counseling session can't take care of.... for a while.

Ultimately, selfishness will destroy a marriage.  

It is because selfishness is contrary to the image of marriage.  "The two shall become one."  Two cannot become one if one holds itself as more important than the union.  If one will not give in, give up, and submit to being forever changed into something different, then the full potential of marriage is missed.  For a better marriage, we must die to ourselves and live for something greater.

I want to go in three directions at the same time right now.

• Head down the path of what to do in the heart we can control - ourselves.  
• Dig into what about the happily selfish spouse we can't change.
• And at the same time talk of the beauty of learning this gift of losing self in living for Christ.  How the most powerful something greater to live for is not your marriage, is not your children, is it the divine mystery of losing yourself in a new spiritual identity.  I guess that is where I'm ending up, because that is really the root.  

Having the selfish side of you lose control is a spiritual matter.  But if you are not in control who or what is?  Jesus offers to take that role, and does it exceptionally well.  Giving his followers more than they can imagine.

Then Jesus said to the crowd, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me.  If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.  And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but are yourself lost or destroyed?  Luke 9:23-25

In following Jesus, in giving up yourself so that you can be His, you have the foundation for a great marriage. Can Christians still be selfish? Yep.  Are there non-Christians who are selfless?  Yep.  But an active living of the Christian faith requires giving up yourself - something truly spiritual - and it carries over into your marriage.

Having marriage problems?  Maybe it is time to look at the root.  Where are you at spiritually?  Is it time to dig into your faith?  Are there parts of your life you are desperate to hold onto instead of turning them over to Jesus?  God in you has the power to change everything.  As for the person you cannot change - Pray!  Because there is Someone who can work miracles...