The heart of the matter

Good people get divorced.  

People who once had a happy
marriage get divorced. 

People who work hard at staying
together get divorced.  

Why?

There are many reasons; some are silly, some are stupid, most can be avoided, almost all can be dealt with -  but one I have stared at straight in the face as I walk with people through the storms of marriages gone bad is found very deep.  It isn't a deal breaker, but it goes beyond learning great communication skills, or developing effective coping skills,  even seeing a counselor so often you know where they keep the extra box of tissues might not be able to get there.

What is buried down there, out of sight and under layers of typically marriage problem crap?  Self

A fundamental selfishness can sabotage even the most relationally capable people.  Some people are so relationally gifted that they can keep things rolling for years, and when the wheels start coming off - it is nothing that a conference or book or counseling session can't take care of.... for a while.

Ultimately, selfishness will destroy a marriage.  

It is because selfishness is contrary to the image of marriage.  "The two shall become one."  Two cannot become one if one holds itself as more important than the union.  If one will not give in, give up, and submit to being forever changed into something different, then the full potential of marriage is missed.  For a better marriage, we must die to ourselves and live for something greater.

I want to go in three directions at the same time right now.

• Head down the path of what to do in the heart we can control - ourselves.  
• Dig into what about the happily selfish spouse we can't change.
• And at the same time talk of the beauty of learning this gift of losing self in living for Christ.  How the most powerful something greater to live for is not your marriage, is not your children, is it the divine mystery of losing yourself in a new spiritual identity.  I guess that is where I'm ending up, because that is really the root.  

Having the selfish side of you lose control is a spiritual matter.  But if you are not in control who or what is?  Jesus offers to take that role, and does it exceptionally well.  Giving his followers more than they can imagine.

Then Jesus said to the crowd, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me.  If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.  And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but are yourself lost or destroyed?  Luke 9:23-25

In following Jesus, in giving up yourself so that you can be His, you have the foundation for a great marriage. Can Christians still be selfish? Yep.  Are there non-Christians who are selfless?  Yep.  But an active living of the Christian faith requires giving up yourself - something truly spiritual - and it carries over into your marriage.

Having marriage problems?  Maybe it is time to look at the root.  Where are you at spiritually?  Is it time to dig into your faith?  Are there parts of your life you are desperate to hold onto instead of turning them over to Jesus?  God in you has the power to change everything.  As for the person you cannot change - Pray!  Because there is Someone who can work miracles...

One Year Ago....

It was one year ago - I posted my first "before fig leaves."

It is abundantly clear that I am not likely to be a "professional" bloggers with thousands of follower, and everything else important in the blogosphere.  That is okay - it was never my intention.  Over the past year, I put up 25 posts and pages were viewed some 2600 times.  The engineer in me just can't help but to run the numbers - 100 views per page (even if they were people who just ended up there by mistake:-)  Somewhere in all of that, something good must have happened.

I still think that marriage is awesome, that people should move toward the awesomeness of marriage, and that I have insights which are useful - so I will continue.  I will allow this anniversary of marriage blogging to give me a nudge back into something important, supporting marriage.

This marriage was something to be happy about.

Over the past month I have been involved in one marriage that happened, and one that didn't.  I celebrate them both.  It will be a fun challenge for the newlyweds to build a great marriage.  And the couple who pulled the plug a few weeks out - it was the right thing for them to do.  Because once you take the plunge, make the commitment, join in covenant together before God - you are in it, and there is no way out.  You can never again be someone who has not married.

So the way to make the most of it is to dig in and make it great!  An average marriage is okay, a rocky marriage wears you out, and divorce just sucks on so many levels it is tragic.  Average, rocky or on the edge of the end - the best option is change.  Not the destructive change of divorce, but the healing change of truly finding something new and experiencing healing in your marriage.  If this blog can help anyone anywhere find this change - it is worth it.

Victorian House - restoration

There is a Victorian house on Main Street - it is a classic.  The trim, the porch, the windows - all make a great first impression.  The truth is, however, everything is not well.   Beyond the normal wear and tear, and the paint which is beginning to peal, there are some real problems.  The owners, a school teacher and a bank employee, do not know what to do. 

The problems go beyond normal “old house” issues.  Sure, the floors aren’t exactly level and some of the doors don’t close like they should, but when you head down into the basement you can see the troubles they are facing.  Some of the beams are rotting, and stones are literally falling out of the foundation.  And a trip to the attic shows that the roof leaks (even after being patched three times).  The house has problems, something has to change; their dream feels like it is literally falling down around them.  What should they do?

The owners have gotten advice (solicited and not) from many different sources.  A couple they love to spend time with have a wonderful house built where an older house once stood.  The bulldozer quickly cleared the old site, and the new house was built.  They quietly advocate for a fresh start, yes it is an irreplaceable Victorian, but they will be happier taking the loss and starting over.

A developer they know wonders why they would live on Main Street to begin with.  “Sell the house to some other suckers and find a nice, low commitment, easy maintenance condo,” is his advice.  He argues they might take a loss, but it will be better in the long run.  He knows the value of the land, and fixing up a traditional home on Main St. doesn’t make sense.  It doesn’t work out in his cost benefit analysis.

But next door lives a romantic.  In her mind fixing the house is worth any cost.  “Time and money don’t matter, the house must be saved!”  She doesn’t care what’s in the basement, or how the roof trusses are holding up; for her the house must be saved because of what it represents.  It is part of the history of the town; it helps define the character of the town.  They saw their neighbor’s angst when another classic house in town experienced extensive fire damage.   She worked on a petition, lobbied the town board, wrote op-ed pieces, anything she could think of to save the house.  It was a lost cause, but she couldn’t see it.

What are the teacher and bank teller to do?  When they bought the house they had such wonderful dreams.  So many memories have been created there.  And while the house is far from perfect, they have invested so much work into the house.  It is part of their life.  They don’t want to loose it all, but at this point the house is winning.  The rot, the damage, the leaks have gotten to be too much.  It has gotten to the point where they can’t even keep up with the basic maintenance, much less think about major repairs.  What to do?  And the costs! It would cost a fortune to restore the house to what it once was.  It has been in rough shape ever since they moved in, how much more can they pour into their dream?  Is it beyond repair?  They are frozen in place.

The friend says bulldoze it, the developer says look at the cost benefit ratio, the romantic says save it, their hearts are torn; this is not what they had planned.  They are living in a dream which they are beginning to hate, resenting every loose hinge and squeaky board.  

The charm has become annoyance.

 

One day at the bank, a contractor came in to make a deposit.  He was an easygoing man who hates using the drive thru, cause “I like to look into the eye of the person I’m givin’ my money to.”  The contractor looked into they eye of the teller, and saw the heaviness in her eyes.  “What’s up?” he asked with an earnestness that penetrated her soul.  There was no one else in line, so before she knew what she was doing the whole burden of their house was unloaded upon a virtual stranger.  He had a gentle smile.

“Why don’t I come take a look,” he offered, “it’s what I do.  I fix old houses.  Let me tell you, there are some houses which are rotten to the core. . . there ain’t no point.  On the other hand, sometimes the structure is worth saving, the established houses of this town are of real value.  It takes time and money, but the result is so much better than anything new could ever be.  The house ends up stronger, prettier, just down right better than it was, even when it was first built.”  The bank employee couldn’t help but to roll her eyes a bit, this guy hadn’t seen their house.  The contractor continued as if he had read her thoughts, “I ain’t never seen inside your house, but I have worked on hundreds of houses over the years, I know which ones are worth saving and which ones I don’t want to get involved with.  Trust me, I don’t want to get involved in a disaster which ain’t never gonna get fixed. How ‘bout it, want me to stop by?”

The couple did arrange a meeting with the contractor.  With his experience it didn’t take him long to get a feel for their house.  He poked around, looked around, asked some questions about what was working and when things started to go bad.  It was clear that he had a deep appreciation for old Victorian houses, they were his passion, but also that he was honest and realistic.  As he left, the couple had a peace about their house which they hadn’t known for a long time.  He had not told them anything yet, the report and estimate would take a week or two, but someone who understood the problem was on the job.  Once they had the report of whether the house was worth saving, and an honest estimate of what it would take, then they could move forward.

A week later the contractor dropped off the report.  On some levels they were surprised, but on others it confirmed what they knew deep down . . .

I write this story to get you to think about how you are assessing your marriage.  You are living in it, maybe it isn’t what you dreamed, and even the normal things are probably becoming points of resentment.  You can talk to those who have gone the route of divorce, those who have pragmatic views, those who are in a marriage you can never imagine, or the romantic who thinks “everything will be okay.”  But what is really helpful is to get your information from someone who really knows the work of restoring marriages.  What is a realistic view given where you are at, what you have to offer, what you want out of life?  Most marriages have more hope left in them than people can realize. 

Ignoring the problems only lets them grow worse.  Divorce creates new problems and misses great opportunity.  Simple fixes only delay what needs to be done.  But better is possible.

Guy's Night Out

I don't do "guy's nights."  Some guys really need them; go out and shoot hoops, play cards, or just hang out with the guys - it hasn't been my thing in marriage.

I bring this up as a reminder to figure out what works for you and your marriage.  I do need time away at points, I know this, Jen knows this, so I make it happen and she is fine with it.  In a similar manner, Jen is the one in our relationship to let us know when we need a date night.

Many things in a better marriage are not defined by a universal "best."  Who should handle the finances, who should do which chores, how often do you need to get away, etc... It depends - but it is dependent on both of you.  It is not only about knowing when you need some girl/guy time, it is about understanding the needs of your spouse (and supporting them).

That said, tonight is pizza night-movie night.  A 17 year tradition in our marriage - it is what works for us on Friday nights!

Sexist

I was watching someone teach on money recently, and boy was he sexist!  He had the nerve to say that men and women spend money differently.  It is sometimes shocking to the system when (outside of comedy) people talk about how different men and women are.

This guy had the nerve to go on and on about how women will nickle and dime themselves and everyone around them into financial ruin.  But then he quickly turned the tables - us guys do it all at once.  Men tend to just go big and be done with it.  Car, boat, house or pricey vacation - men will just create the financial problem in one fell swoop.

It is the true all the time? Absolutely not.  Can most men and women related to this and nod in general agreement?  I think so.  It is not like the ruin is better or worse based on the means to get there - it is still ruin.  But recognizing our tenancies helps address the problem.  [Actually, this week I just about pulled off one of those classic guy moves in our finances but pulled back just in time.  No, Jen and I won't be taking a vacation we can't afford next month...]

We need a bit more sexism.  Not sexism which says a certain gender can't or shouldn't - but one which says they generally don't or won't.  A sexism not to keep men and women apart, but one which realizes how different we are, and through this brings us together in mutual understanding.  How can you be a better sexist?

First, lets not be too afraid of stereotypes.  This is dangerous ground to head onto, but stereotypes exist for a reason - because they are useful.  There is no way we can figure out everything and everyone from a blank slate every time.  We must rely on patterns, and we need to build on prior knowledge.  We start with stereotypes - a general framework - and then see how the individual varies.  Maybe they don't fit at all and the whole stereotype has to be thrown out - but most men fit one mold, most women fit another.

For the record - I not only have the tendency to go all out financially, I also do a good job at nickle and diming... that's why I need a budget!

Clackers...

Apparently I'm too young to know about clackers.  A seventies fad which didn't have the staying power of some of the fashion statements (or pet rocks).

Two balls on a string - tons of playground fun.  Fun until the glass marbles smash - then you'll clacker your eye out!  Oh, and they're not far removed from a martial arts weapon...

What do clackers have to do with a better marriage?

The balls are constantly drawn to each other - as long as the central point of connection is lifted up.  The balls have no choice, the laws of physics are at work.  Even if they are knocking against each other, time and time again they return together.  And if some kid isn't jerking them up and down, they will come to rest, together.

Marriage analogy?  If both husband and wife are firmly connected to something bigger than themselves, something which lifts them up, it naturally draws them closer.  This "something bigger" could be a love of nature, their children, or curling - but the best "something bigger" is something way bigger.  When that focal point is God, when your primary connection is to God, and the same is true for your spouse, something profound happens.  As long as you are connected to God, and seeking God in your lives - you will be drawn together.

But this has to be active.  Picture a clacker on a table.  There are still two balls and a central point, but if that point is not held up, they balls can be anywhere - drifting aimlessly.  Do you have to be a Christian to be close?  Not at all, maybe you live in a community which naturally keeps you two close together.  And as I said, there can be many things which you are connected to, and lift you up - but nothing is as faithful and steadfast as the Eternal.  Interests change, children grow up, cultural trends and ideals shift - but as the Bible says, Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever.

So maybe life is crazy.  Maybe for a period of time you are being thrown up and down, crashing into each other - but as this video shows, they always come back to each other, and eventually can find rest together.



Hey - what if my spouse doesn't have the same connection to God?  Then you need to hang onto God all the tighter.  The beauty of this is that unlike being bound by a love of NASCAR, the love of God not only provides a lasting point of connection, it also has the power to transforms each of us into someone who can more faithfully love as God desires.  A committed, lasting love which moves even bad marriage in the direction of better.

Share your spiritual life together, go to church together, join a Bible study... work to help each other grow spiritually, to keep your focus on God, to be firmly rooted in faith - lift up a central point of connection.  Then just as the laws of physics take over - you will find power at work in your marriage which can handle anything.

Can it be balanced?

I was planning to follow up my last blog, with these thoughts in something more like a week not a month...
After two entries about weight and fitness, the questions arises; What about the other side?  What about being accepted for who I am?  What about seeing the deep lasting beauty of your spouse?

Proverbs 31:30:

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;
but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised."

I realize this moving image is a bit annoying/distracting,
but I couldn't help myself... the love pec pop - women dig it!

Here is the reality, no matter how much I work out, I will never have the pecs of Dwayne Johnson (The Rock), nor the face of Brad Pitt, nor the suavity Johnny Depp, nor the....  it just ain't gonna happen.

And as stunning as the exterior of my wife is, she will never have the body of an airbrushed VS model.

Why can't we just be loved for who we are?  Why can't a lasting beauty which is more than skin deep be what is appreciated?

The reality is, this is what is most important.  The greatest gift we can give our spouse is acceptance!  That's the idea of being naked in the garden - it is that we are fully exposed before each other, and not ashamed.  We know we are known, but despite of of the fact that they know the "imperfections," we know we are loved.  Loved in a committed, no-matter-what kind of way.

I often focus on the differences between men and women, and what we are looking for to fill our marital tanks - but both men and women long for acceptance.  When we offer this "no matter what you're awesome" acceptance, we are giving them something profound.

Maintaining Balance

If it was easy, everyone would be doing it!  This is definitely something I am still working on.  How do you balance accepting your spouse and sharing what your spouse can do to fill your marital tank?

Whether I am a romantic or not, whether I bring home flowers or not, if I happen to be an insensitive lump - I really appreciate the gift of being loved as the man that I am.  However, I need to know my wife wants romance, flowers, and sensitivity.
Do you feel the tension?  If she says I'm not romantic enough - does this mean she doesn't accept me for who I am?

I need to know both: 
           - I'm accepted
           - How to be better at meeting her needs as a woman

Acceptance of the good and the bad - this is found in the biblical love of commitment to the best for the other - it should be the foundation of marriage.  In this lasting love we can find the foundation upon which we can share what will make us a bit more blissful in our marriage.

fat but happy

This week a study came out which sheds some interesting light on my last posting. The gist is that people who are happy in marriage gain more weight than those who are unhappily married.  Apparently everyone already knows that:

marriage = weight gain 

and 

divorce = weight loss.  

(How sad is that?), but now  research has shown the following,

"Satisfaction is positively associated with weight gain," Meltzer said. "Spouses who are more satisfied tend to gain more weight, and spouses who are less satisfied tend to gain less weight."        HealthDay

The theory lifted up is the "mating market."  We stay fit to attract a partner, and if divorce is a possibility, you need to stay in market ready condition.  Hey, I got no problem with that theory, much of the fitness industry is about staying attractive.   So it follows, if the primary reason you were slim and trim was to get in the door, once you are in and the deal is sealed, that motivation is done.

You have pledged to each other, "for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, if you are a stud or a couch potato, I'm yours and you are mine."  In a happy marriage, there is security in those vows, you will love each other regardless of physical appearance or level of health - and that is how it should be.

HOWEVER - what does it mean to love and to cherish until death do us part?  Love is active, and a big part is meeting the needs (and often the desires) of the one you love.  And the general theory that I hold to is that men and women want different things, and in a great marriage, we work to figure out what the other spouse wants and fill their marital reservoir.  We show our love in a way that is meaningful to them.  We work on it.

The motivation of fitness changes:
It goes from getting what you want,
to giving them what they want.

Maybe they want someone with type II diabetes?  Maybe they want someone who's joints wear out prematurely, who has heart disease, who doesn't have the energy to have active fun, who has to limit their activity because they simply don't fit?  Now if these things cannot be avoided, that is where the "in sickness and in health" comes in, a true commitment to love sees past all these things.  But in a great marriage, being the best you possible should be a gift to your spouse.

Health is reason enough - but for visually oriented guys (most of us), a fit wife is a great expression of love.  And guys, if you want to help your wife stay trim (which she probably desires for herself), maintaining your fitness helps her.  And a strong man is a desirable thing to most women.

What's your motivation for fitness?  Is it an act of love?

Do you exercise for a better, long lasting, marriage?

only 3 pounds...

A few years ago I heard something interesting;
the average American gains 3 pounds a year.

I think most of us, as we take stock after the holidays, don't have any problem believing that number.  Most people I know don't go on vacation, or pass through a holiday season, without adding three to five pounds of extra luggage.  But that is not what this national average is about, it is the progressive increase year after year.  Lots of people gain some pounds here and there, lose some here and there - but on average, Americans gain three more than we lose year after year.

It is no wonder the majority of people are overweight, and 1/3 have a Body Mass Index (BMI) of over 30 (I.e., obese) - because most Americans are over 40 years old.  If you start at a healthy BMI at age 25 and you stick with the national average, you will be obese somewhere by age 50 - it just takes 3 pounds a year.  (Curious?  Calculate BMI Here)

So why do I bring it up?  Two-fold:
1.  Fitness benefits marriages.  I don't have any statistics of whether physically fit people as a whole have better marriages, but I'm pretty confident fit people enjoy a good marriage more.  Whether it is from the type of things fitness adds (more energy, better outlook, physical attraction, better sex...) or removes (less sickness, less guilt, depression), moving in the direction of fitness helps marriages.

2.  It is a great illustration of drift.  It is only 3 pounds, it is only a few missed date nights, it is only a little emotional hurt, it is only...  If you want better than normal, you have to work at it.  There are things which surround us which make it the norm for people to gain 3 pounds a year, and there are things which surround us which pull people apart, even people who have promised, "to death do us part."  More on this in Drift - July 2012  Yes, we all have ups and downs, but for some reason the negatives naturally win over the positives.  If this happens, even by a small margin, the impact grows years after year.  But the opposite is true, if each year you take even a small step toward better health, in a decade you won't be the same person.  And all those little wins in a marriage can make it better than imagined a decade from now.

Fight those 3 pounds - work for a better marriage!