Sex in the Coal Mine

 Trivia: Canaries were used as early warning system
for miners in Britain as recently at 1987

Sex is both robust and enduring, and incredibly fragile. Sorta like the good old canary in the coal mine.

The point of this posting is simple: Pay attention to sex!  It could save your marriage.

If the sex starts to die, figure out why.  There are physical reasons sex might be down for a season, but sex is a good early warning system for a marriage heading in the wrong direction.

Don't wait till the time since sex is measured in months or years.  Think of the miners working in a mine with elevated carbon dioxide.  The canary looks a little weak, the miner feels fine.  Even when the canary is dead, the miner may not be hampered in their work - but while they may feel okay, the damage is beginning.  A marriage which is a bit toxic can go on for a while, it may even feel okay, but the damage is happening.

Unless something changes in the mine or in the marriage, the toxicity will build, and ultimately - often a good while after the canary dies - there is death.  A death which might have been prevented if corrective actions were taken when the early warning signals were seen.

Depending on your age, years of marriage, and many other factors, how much sex is the right amount of sex can vary - but healthy sex is part of the typical healthy marriage.  The reality is; the best sex is had within marriage!  So if your sex life is changing - pay attention.

Sex ties into so many aspects of your relationship less sex could mean a dozen different things.  Maybe you are getting out of shape, maybe stress levels are high, maybe emotional needs are not being met, maybe you aren't taking the time, or the TV is on too much, or....

Let the canary die of old age, 
not a toxic environment and 
you are on the way to a better marriage.

Date Night

"We need a date night."  Sometimes I say it, sometimes Jen says it, sometimes neither of us realize the need soon enough - but in this phase of life, every so often we need a "date night."

But this wasn't always the case.  For many years of our marriage we did not need to plan out, or schedule date nights.  I would hear the advice to make sure they were part of our marriage, and politely nod and smile on the outside, and internally say, "whatever."

At that point in our life, every night was date night.  We didn't have as many things pulling us in different directions.  Now between work, kids, friends, and other commitments - we need to ensure we have focused time to stay connected and close.  (And we spend more time together than most couples our age)  So yes, at times date nights are important!

But more important is keeping tabs on your marital health.  Paying attention to your (and your spouses) marital tank.  And making moves to fill the tanks!  Date nights are a chance to make a deposit into your marriage - depending on the season of your life - they may be just the thing!

Do you need to schedule a marital infusion?

Just a corner of the bed...

I am a bed maker.
I was raised as a bed maker.
We are raising bed makers.
So is my wife - sorta...


The question of why I value the discipline of straightening the sheets and blankets every morning is best for another time. (I hinted at it HERE.)  Really, bed making isn't the point of this blog.  But it is a helpful illustration.

dramatic recreation of actual event...

Most days Jen is out of the bed before me, and I make the bed, even arranging the decorative pillows (why have pillows which aren't used? but I digress).  But there are times when Jen is the last one in the room, and she makes the bed.  And then there are times when I find something which I can't quite wrap my brain around.

As seen in this picture.  She makes her side of the bed, and leaves mine undone... huh???  What's a guy to think?  If I were to seek explanation of this phenomenon on Facebook, I'm sure our "friends" would come up with some great insights - most of them missing the mark by a mile.  But understanding why is only so helpful.

The question is, what do I do with it?  Honestly, my human nature wants to get petty about it.  "If she doesn't finish my side, when I do it, I shouldn't finish hers," I think to myself.  Or I won't take out the garbage, or just stop making the bed, or I'll - and the downward spiral of doom gets going - even if it is only in my head....

Better marriage advice - Don't Get Petty!  Take the high road.  Bring better into the relationship, not worse.  Seriously, do you want to know how long it takes to remedy this situation?  About 5 seconds!  In a few seconds I can flip the cover up, grad the superfluous pillows from next to the bed, and even arrange the two teddy bears.  Or in five seconds I can start a brew which will NEVER lead to be better marriage.

Yes, marriage is a give and take.  If it is all take and no give there are problems.  However, even the best spouse (which my wife is) isn't perfect.  We have to cover for each other, we have to extend grace.

What can you let go, accept, and cover to keep filling each other's marital tanks?