BFF - the Best Friends Forever excuse

There are "those" couples.  You know the ones, the BFF couples - "we're best friends."  I might as well confess up front, I'm in a BFF marriage.  Jen and I have many overlapping interests, we can't get enough time together, we talk about almost everything.  We are best friends, we are husband and wife, and it is a great combo.  But it isn't for everyone.  And it isn't "the way" to have a better marriage.  Just because two people aren't "best friends" is no excuse not to have a great marriage.It would be unfair, if the only way to have a stellar marriage is by finding and marrying your BFF.  (although many things in life aren't fair, this isn't one of them)

It would be unfair because:

• If you are married, the decision is made.  You you aren't with your BFF, you don't have the option of switching.  (or at least not without leaving an ugly trail of divorce destruction)

• Men and women are so different, most don't immediately find the BFF bond with the opposite sex.

• Often the BFF slot is filled before marriage is on the horizon.

And let me say, I have seen BFF marriages go really bad.  Marrying your "best friend" is a great place to start, but it does not guarantee a naked marriage.  Every marriage needs the work of realizing you are different, figuring out those differences, and giving your partner what they need at the deepest levels.  Even best friends can pull out the fig leaves, try and cover up and hide things.  Even more so when it is a man and a woman trying to bring their differences together.

What you need to do is be BSF - that would be Best Spouses Forever.  Strive hard to be the best husband for your wife, or the best wife for your husband.  When this is the focus, similar interests or not, the two can become one and life can be good!

Drift

It once was part of something bigger.... but now it is drifting out to sea, slowing melting away.   This analogy is going to fall apart about as quickly as a glacier in the tropics - but go with it for a second, and then we can head back to dry land.  

If an iceberg is not an iceberg, but part of the polar ice cap, life it good.  It it part of something bigger than itself, and while there may be a bit of erosion around the edges from time to time, overall it can weather any storm.

Once a chuck breaks off, it's destiny is changed.  It is only a matter of time before it melts away.  It cannot sustain itself.  As it floats into open waters, it is doomed.

In marriage, the flip side of wanting what is best for the other, of striving to fill their marital tank - is watching out for drift.  I have no statistics, but I guarantee you that drift kills more marriages than cheating.  Drift kills more marriages than a sudden crisis.  Drift kills.  Little by little a couple isn't as close as they once were.  The jobs are demanding, the schedules get full, family has their expectations - and a few years down the road "I don't love you," "I don't know you," or "I want more," is spoken.

It starts here, and can stay here, but drift kills

The iceberg image speaks strongly to the feeling of isolation once the drift has begun - but it doesn't really work because we cause drift by the decisions we make.  While it is easy to claim "it just happened..." It happens because of what we do.  But the good news is; we have control.  Once a berg is free it is at the mercy of the currents.  Each of us on the other hand can note the drift in our relationship, and push back together.  A slight drift apart can easily be compensated for (date night, romantic weekend, taking a walk together), but even a drift which has been unattended to for a long time isn't beyond hope.  There is power to bring the two back together as one.  The currents of our culture often drive couples apart, but if we keep an eye out for drift, we have the power to overcome these currents - to be united.

Where do you see drift in your relationship?  How can you come back together?


PS.  Sometimes drift has gone so far that it would take a miracle to bring the two back together.  The great news is that God still works miracles.  Never be afraid to pray for what seems impossible.

Getting Started

A year ago I was able to take a 3 month break from life.  Or at least life as it normally happens.  During that time I was able to meet with people, travel, build - but most of all think.  One of my ideas is what you are looking at: a blog sharing ideas to make marriage better.

I'm a big fan of marriage.  Everyone who is called to marriage (and not everyone is) should have a great one.  The second most important question in life is who you marry.  But once that decision has been made, then you have to learn to live with it.  And why not make the most of it?  Why not be able to unabashedly say, "My wife rocks!"  Or "I think my husband is the best!"  Because not much beats an awesome marriage!

There are ways to make every marriage better.  You may not have much hope, or you may think things are pretty good - but better days can be ahead.  My hope is to weekly share ideas which might just help you or someone you care about move a marriage in the "better" direction.

It seems a little silly doing this at all.  There are "experts" out there.  There are books upon books, and sites upon sites.  But then again, there is crappy marriage after crappy marriage.  One more bit of help can't hurt.  So here it is, a year after conception - the launch of "Before Fig Leaves."

Check out the pages to the right to learn more about this blog.

I pray you find something useful from time to time....

did you marry an ax murderer?

What do you think about the person you married?  What did you think about the person you married?
Pretty much everyone who marries, thinks they have someone good - someone with a good heart and good intentions.  And probably they did.  Over time, some people come to think that they married an ax murder.

Speaking of which:

If you never saw the movie, sorry, but hey - [spoiler alert] she wasn't an ax murder.

Did you marry an ax murder?  If yes, seek help from law enforcement.  You made a huge mistake.

If no, keep going back to your wedding day.  Go back in your mind to the person you initially fell in love with.  That person is still there. In a marriage where each person is working to fill the other's marital tank, the relationship keeps getting better.  In time you find you are married to someone who seems even better than when you started.  However, if the tanks are being drained, now you are sure he is a rock wall, she is a nag, that he doesn't care, or that she will never be happy.

Whether things are good for you, or a challenge right now, ask your self - did I marry an overall decent person?  Look at how they treat other people.  How do they relate to strangers, to co-workers, to their mother?  If they are always in jerk mode, then yes, maybe there are some deeper issues going on.  However, if they know how to relate civilly, if they can be kind, you probably did marry a decent person.  Your work as a spouse is to continually draw that out, encourage it, help them be the best person they can in every circumstance.  (this is tricky, we need to do it in the right way (hint: nagging doesn't work))

Right now may be the best point in your marriage ever - hold on to it, remember it, and enjoy it.
Right now may be a bit rocky - can you remember a better time?  The same people are still available, there is some work to do, but better days can come again!

This is a foundational idea to getting rid of the fig leaves.  We need to get rid of the judgment, and return to trusting that there is good in the other.  Assume the best motives (unless you married and ax murder).