The heart of the matter

Good people get divorced.  

People who once had a happy
marriage get divorced. 

People who work hard at staying
together get divorced.  

Why?

There are many reasons; some are silly, some are stupid, most can be avoided, almost all can be dealt with -  but one I have stared at straight in the face as I walk with people through the storms of marriages gone bad is found very deep.  It isn't a deal breaker, but it goes beyond learning great communication skills, or developing effective coping skills,  even seeing a counselor so often you know where they keep the extra box of tissues might not be able to get there.

What is buried down there, out of sight and under layers of typically marriage problem crap?  Self

A fundamental selfishness can sabotage even the most relationally capable people.  Some people are so relationally gifted that they can keep things rolling for years, and when the wheels start coming off - it is nothing that a conference or book or counseling session can't take care of.... for a while.

Ultimately, selfishness will destroy a marriage.  

It is because selfishness is contrary to the image of marriage.  "The two shall become one."  Two cannot become one if one holds itself as more important than the union.  If one will not give in, give up, and submit to being forever changed into something different, then the full potential of marriage is missed.  For a better marriage, we must die to ourselves and live for something greater.

I want to go in three directions at the same time right now.

• Head down the path of what to do in the heart we can control - ourselves.  
• Dig into what about the happily selfish spouse we can't change.
• And at the same time talk of the beauty of learning this gift of losing self in living for Christ.  How the most powerful something greater to live for is not your marriage, is not your children, is it the divine mystery of losing yourself in a new spiritual identity.  I guess that is where I'm ending up, because that is really the root.  

Having the selfish side of you lose control is a spiritual matter.  But if you are not in control who or what is?  Jesus offers to take that role, and does it exceptionally well.  Giving his followers more than they can imagine.

Then Jesus said to the crowd, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me.  If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.  And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but are yourself lost or destroyed?  Luke 9:23-25

In following Jesus, in giving up yourself so that you can be His, you have the foundation for a great marriage. Can Christians still be selfish? Yep.  Are there non-Christians who are selfless?  Yep.  But an active living of the Christian faith requires giving up yourself - something truly spiritual - and it carries over into your marriage.

Having marriage problems?  Maybe it is time to look at the root.  Where are you at spiritually?  Is it time to dig into your faith?  Are there parts of your life you are desperate to hold onto instead of turning them over to Jesus?  God in you has the power to change everything.  As for the person you cannot change - Pray!  Because there is Someone who can work miracles...

One Year Ago....

It was one year ago - I posted my first "before fig leaves."

It is abundantly clear that I am not likely to be a "professional" bloggers with thousands of follower, and everything else important in the blogosphere.  That is okay - it was never my intention.  Over the past year, I put up 25 posts and pages were viewed some 2600 times.  The engineer in me just can't help but to run the numbers - 100 views per page (even if they were people who just ended up there by mistake:-)  Somewhere in all of that, something good must have happened.

I still think that marriage is awesome, that people should move toward the awesomeness of marriage, and that I have insights which are useful - so I will continue.  I will allow this anniversary of marriage blogging to give me a nudge back into something important, supporting marriage.

This marriage was something to be happy about.

Over the past month I have been involved in one marriage that happened, and one that didn't.  I celebrate them both.  It will be a fun challenge for the newlyweds to build a great marriage.  And the couple who pulled the plug a few weeks out - it was the right thing for them to do.  Because once you take the plunge, make the commitment, join in covenant together before God - you are in it, and there is no way out.  You can never again be someone who has not married.

So the way to make the most of it is to dig in and make it great!  An average marriage is okay, a rocky marriage wears you out, and divorce just sucks on so many levels it is tragic.  Average, rocky or on the edge of the end - the best option is change.  Not the destructive change of divorce, but the healing change of truly finding something new and experiencing healing in your marriage.  If this blog can help anyone anywhere find this change - it is worth it.