Thanksgiving in the garden

It is time for Thanksgiving.  So, take a moment on the following assignment:

What are five things you are thankful for about your spouse?

 - STOP - Come up with a list of at least 5 things - 

Think about your list.  Is it made up of things they want to be thanked for, or what is important to you?  Nothing wrong if it is about you, it is your thankfulness we are talking about after all, but if you stretch your gratitude a bit further you have an opportunity to strengthen your marriage.

What am I talking about.  Well, I'm thankful for great sex and a fit wife.  While Jen knows I'm grateful, these are not her top priorities.  I'm also thankful that she makes the world a more beautiful place through her creativity, that she is there for friends in need, that she strives to be a great mom.  I don't express this gratitude enough.

This Thanksgiving, think about your differences as man and woman.  Have you expressed your gratitude for his hard work?  for his accomplishments?  for his faithfulness?  How about for her loving spirit? for her companionship?  for her encouragement?

When we look beyond the surface, we are different.  What we are thankful for is different, but also what we want to be thanked for is different as well.  What might gender appropriate thanksgiving look like in your relationship?  Fill each other up!

Thank God we are different!

Who are your friends - as you parent?

Marriage and parenting - 9 times out of 10 - go together like a horse and...

Actually, I don't know what percentage of married couples have kids*, but if you do, they have a major impact on your marriage.  Kids create higher levels of fulfillment, and corresponding higher levels of stress.  Whether toddlers, college students or adults - children bring joy, but not necessarily happiness.

How do we increase the fulfillment and joy from our kids?  (Not that having kids is all about us, but how do we maximize the experience for everyone involved?)  In August I thought about the desires we have for our kids -  Kids? (Aug15)  

So the next question is (following up on last week's entry) who are the parents of the type of kid(s) you are working toward?  I run into lots of teens who I would love to have my kids become like, and many more who are not my target at all.  There are plenty of kids in our middle class community who are considered "good kids" who are not my goal in parenting.

Obviously, there are absolutely no guarantees in parenting.  I have know enough families to know that every person is a unique individual, who will ultimately choose their own path.  There are personality traits within kids which are beyond the control of any parent - but every parent is in a position to shape and guide toward a great outcome.  No guarantees, but I'm also able to be involved with many different parents, many different kids, and see some families with much better outcomes.

The primary thing I see is this.  The families with kids on a trajectory I desire for my kids are doing things differently.  They don't do things because that is what everyone else is doing.  In fact, they do things which few others are doing.  They are not normal - because normal seem really good at creating distant, rebellious, peer driven and media shaped kids.

Look around as a couple, who is a step or two ahead of you, and are parenting kids you hope to work toward.  Befriend them, learn from them, watch them.  Even the best parents I know struggle.  There is no perfect kid, their frontal lobes aren't fully formed, they have a lot they are sorting out - but if you have people who are helpful in your parenting - helping you be better than normal - it will be a long term help to your marriage.  Better parenting builds better marriages (and better marriages enable better parenting)


I don't want a normal marriage, and I don't want normal kids!  I'm working for better, I hope you are as well.


*while looking for the percentage of people who end up having kids, I came across this site: www.familyfacts.org/briefs/marriage-and-family  - some interesting information.

Who are your friends?

Your friends matter!  Do you have friends who help strengthen your marriage, or who sabotage it?  By no means am I saying all your friends have to have great marriages - that's a bit unrealistic and means you aren't helping anyone - but are the key people in your life marriage builders?

In life, have you ever seen the social circle domino effect?  If in a group of friends some start moving toward marriage, it makes it easier for others to, and it starts to be come the norm.  Or having kids.  Or buying houses.  Or taking trips to Disney...

It is because of this simple truth:
In our life expectations;
our neighbors become our norm.  

It is not a conscious process, but the standard of living which surrounds us seeps into who we are and becomes what we measure ourselves against.  This isn't really good or bad, it is how life is as social beings.  However, if what we are surrounded by isn't working, we have to be careful not to get sucked in.

Much of our world works against a great marriage.  It works against accepting and affirming the positive differences between men and women - then taking this understanding to help build better marriages.  Instead, the norm is to tear down the other gender - belittling men, writing off romantic women - seeking the weakness instead of encouraging the strengths.  Find other people who love and value their spouse and their marriage!  

In your closest circles, let the norm be a little abnormal.  This is a great thing about church.  By gathering together with people who are seeking God, you are surrounded by a higher probability marriage lovers.  You can find within a healthy church men and women who are trying to push through the knowledge of our differences to healthy marriages based on a more complete knowledge.  A good norm to have!