There is a Victorian house on Main Street - it is a classic. The trim, the porch, the windows - all make a
great first impression. The truth is,
however, everything is not well. Beyond
the normal wear and tear, and the paint which is beginning to peal, there are
some real problems. The owners, a school
teacher and a bank employee, do not know what to do.
The problems go beyond normal “old house” issues. Sure, the floors aren’t exactly level and
some of the doors don’t close like they should, but when you head down into the
basement you can see the troubles they are facing. Some of the beams are rotting, and stones are
literally falling out of the foundation.
And a trip to the attic shows that the roof leaks (even after being patched three times). The house has
problems, something has to change; their dream feels like it is literally
falling down around them. What should
they do?
The owners have gotten advice (solicited and not) from many
different sources. A couple they love to
spend time with have a wonderful house built where an older house once
stood. The bulldozer quickly cleared the
old site, and the new house was built. They
quietly advocate for a fresh start, yes it is an irreplaceable Victorian,
but they will be happier taking the loss and starting over.
A developer they know wonders why they would live on Main
Street to begin with. “Sell the house to
some other suckers and find a nice, low commitment, easy maintenance condo,” is
his advice. He argues they might take a
loss, but it will be better in the long run.
He knows the value of the land, and fixing up a traditional home on
Main St. doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t
work out in his cost benefit analysis.
But next door lives a romantic. In her mind fixing the house is worth any
cost. “Time and money don’t matter, the
house must be saved!” She doesn’t care
what’s in the basement, or how the roof trusses are holding up; for her the
house must be saved because of what it represents. It is part of the history of the town; it
helps define the character of the town.
They saw their neighbor’s angst when another classic house in town
experienced extensive fire damage. She
worked on a petition, lobbied the town board, wrote op-ed pieces, anything she
could think of to save the house. It was
a lost cause, but she couldn’t see it.
What are the teacher and bank teller to do? When they bought the house they had such
wonderful dreams. So many memories have
been created there. And while the house
is far from perfect, they have invested so much work into the house. It is part of their life. They don’t want to loose it all, but at this
point the house is winning. The rot, the
damage, the leaks have gotten to be too much.
It has gotten to the point where they can’t even keep up with the basic
maintenance, much less think about major repairs. What to do?
And the costs! It would cost a fortune to restore the house to what it
once was. It has been in rough shape
ever since they moved in, how much more can they pour into their dream? Is it beyond repair? They are frozen in place.
The friend says bulldoze it, the developer says look at the
cost benefit ratio, the romantic says save it, their hearts are torn; this is
not what they had planned. They are
living in a dream which they are beginning to hate, resenting every loose hinge
and squeaky board.
The charm has become
annoyance.
One day at the bank, a contractor came in to make a
deposit. He was an easygoing man who
hates using the drive thru, cause “I like to look into the eye of the person
I’m givin’ my money to.” The contractor
looked into they eye of the teller, and saw the heaviness in her eyes. “What’s up?” he asked with an earnestness
that penetrated her soul. There was no
one else in line, so before she knew what she was doing the whole burden of
their house was unloaded upon a virtual stranger. He had a gentle smile.
“Why don’t I come take a look,” he offered, “it’s what I
do. I fix old houses. Let me tell you, there are some houses which
are rotten to the core. . . there ain’t no point. On the other hand, sometimes the structure is
worth saving, the established houses of this town are of real value. It takes time and money, but the result is so
much better than anything new could ever be.
The house ends up stronger, prettier, just down right better than it
was, even when it was first built.” The
bank employee couldn’t help but to roll her eyes a bit, this guy hadn’t seen
their house. The contractor continued as
if he had read her thoughts, “I ain’t never seen inside your house, but I have
worked on hundreds of houses over the years, I know which ones are worth saving
and which ones I don’t want to get involved with. Trust me, I don’t want to get involved in a
disaster which ain’t never gonna get fixed. How ‘bout it, want me to stop by?”
The couple did arrange a meeting with the contractor. With his experience it didn’t take him long
to get a feel for their house. He poked
around, looked around, asked some questions about what was working and when
things started to go bad. It was clear
that he had a deep appreciation for old Victorian houses, they were his
passion, but also that he was honest and realistic. As he left, the couple had a peace about
their house which they hadn’t known for a long time. He had not told them anything yet, the report
and estimate would take a week or two, but someone who understood the problem
was on the job. Once they had the report
of whether the house was worth saving, and an honest estimate of what it would
take, then they could move forward.
A week later the contractor dropped off the report. On some levels they were surprised, but on
others it confirmed what they knew deep down . . .
I write this story to get you to think about how you are
assessing your marriage. You are living
in it, maybe it isn’t what you dreamed, and even the normal things are probably
becoming points of resentment. You can
talk to those who have gone the route of divorce, those who have pragmatic
views, those who are in a marriage you can never imagine, or the romantic who
thinks “everything will be okay.” But
what is really helpful is to get your information from someone who really knows
the work of restoring marriages. What is
a realistic view given where you are at, what you have to offer, what you want
out of life? Most marriages have more
hope left in them than people can realize.
Ignoring the problems only lets them grow worse. Divorce creates new problems and misses great
opportunity. Simple fixes only delay
what needs to be done. But better is
possible.
