Guy's Night Out

I don't do "guy's nights."  Some guys really need them; go out and shoot hoops, play cards, or just hang out with the guys - it hasn't been my thing in marriage.

I bring this up as a reminder to figure out what works for you and your marriage.  I do need time away at points, I know this, Jen knows this, so I make it happen and she is fine with it.  In a similar manner, Jen is the one in our relationship to let us know when we need a date night.

Many things in a better marriage are not defined by a universal "best."  Who should handle the finances, who should do which chores, how often do you need to get away, etc... It depends - but it is dependent on both of you.  It is not only about knowing when you need some girl/guy time, it is about understanding the needs of your spouse (and supporting them).

That said, tonight is pizza night-movie night.  A 17 year tradition in our marriage - it is what works for us on Friday nights!

Sexist

I was watching someone teach on money recently, and boy was he sexist!  He had the nerve to say that men and women spend money differently.  It is sometimes shocking to the system when (outside of comedy) people talk about how different men and women are.

This guy had the nerve to go on and on about how women will nickle and dime themselves and everyone around them into financial ruin.  But then he quickly turned the tables - us guys do it all at once.  Men tend to just go big and be done with it.  Car, boat, house or pricey vacation - men will just create the financial problem in one fell swoop.

It is the true all the time? Absolutely not.  Can most men and women related to this and nod in general agreement?  I think so.  It is not like the ruin is better or worse based on the means to get there - it is still ruin.  But recognizing our tenancies helps address the problem.  [Actually, this week I just about pulled off one of those classic guy moves in our finances but pulled back just in time.  No, Jen and I won't be taking a vacation we can't afford next month...]

We need a bit more sexism.  Not sexism which says a certain gender can't or shouldn't - but one which says they generally don't or won't.  A sexism not to keep men and women apart, but one which realizes how different we are, and through this brings us together in mutual understanding.  How can you be a better sexist?

First, lets not be too afraid of stereotypes.  This is dangerous ground to head onto, but stereotypes exist for a reason - because they are useful.  There is no way we can figure out everything and everyone from a blank slate every time.  We must rely on patterns, and we need to build on prior knowledge.  We start with stereotypes - a general framework - and then see how the individual varies.  Maybe they don't fit at all and the whole stereotype has to be thrown out - but most men fit one mold, most women fit another.

For the record - I not only have the tendency to go all out financially, I also do a good job at nickle and diming... that's why I need a budget!

Clackers...

Apparently I'm too young to know about clackers.  A seventies fad which didn't have the staying power of some of the fashion statements (or pet rocks).

Two balls on a string - tons of playground fun.  Fun until the glass marbles smash - then you'll clacker your eye out!  Oh, and they're not far removed from a martial arts weapon...

What do clackers have to do with a better marriage?

The balls are constantly drawn to each other - as long as the central point of connection is lifted up.  The balls have no choice, the laws of physics are at work.  Even if they are knocking against each other, time and time again they return together.  And if some kid isn't jerking them up and down, they will come to rest, together.

Marriage analogy?  If both husband and wife are firmly connected to something bigger than themselves, something which lifts them up, it naturally draws them closer.  This "something bigger" could be a love of nature, their children, or curling - but the best "something bigger" is something way bigger.  When that focal point is God, when your primary connection is to God, and the same is true for your spouse, something profound happens.  As long as you are connected to God, and seeking God in your lives - you will be drawn together.

But this has to be active.  Picture a clacker on a table.  There are still two balls and a central point, but if that point is not held up, they balls can be anywhere - drifting aimlessly.  Do you have to be a Christian to be close?  Not at all, maybe you live in a community which naturally keeps you two close together.  And as I said, there can be many things which you are connected to, and lift you up - but nothing is as faithful and steadfast as the Eternal.  Interests change, children grow up, cultural trends and ideals shift - but as the Bible says, Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever.

So maybe life is crazy.  Maybe for a period of time you are being thrown up and down, crashing into each other - but as this video shows, they always come back to each other, and eventually can find rest together.



Hey - what if my spouse doesn't have the same connection to God?  Then you need to hang onto God all the tighter.  The beauty of this is that unlike being bound by a love of NASCAR, the love of God not only provides a lasting point of connection, it also has the power to transforms each of us into someone who can more faithfully love as God desires.  A committed, lasting love which moves even bad marriage in the direction of better.

Share your spiritual life together, go to church together, join a Bible study... work to help each other grow spiritually, to keep your focus on God, to be firmly rooted in faith - lift up a central point of connection.  Then just as the laws of physics take over - you will find power at work in your marriage which can handle anything.